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Anyway, who can blame somebody for enthusiasm?
  technofile
Al Fasoldt's reviews and commentaries, continuously available online since 1983

It's cool! It's new! It's what YOU need! Right?

They say everybody's using it, so why wait? Get the latest CoolSoSoft


July 2, 2000

By Al Fasoldt
Copyright ©2000, Al Fasoldt

   Have you heard about the new refrigerator? It's cute and it's made by the biggest company in the business, CoolSoSoft. That really means a lot. I'm excited.
   Legions of fans say it's the best thing they ever saw. Since so many people use CoolSoSoft refrigerators, they must be good.
   Unfortunately, some people, probably just a bunch of know-nothing geeks, have been criticizing CoolSoSoft refrigerators. I don't know anything about the arguments these nutty ne'er-do-wells have been spouting, and I don't intend to find out, either. Sometimes the best thing to do when somebody criticizes a friend of yours is to keep your head down. Makes it harder to think that way, too. Your brain kind of sleeps. I like that.
   I heard the government got onto its high horse and tried to make the good folks at CoolSoSoft into bad guys. Doesn't sit well with me when our elected officials get involved in something they have no right to get involved in. Who do they think they are?
   And all because CoolSoSoft was doing business the American way. The big boys at Cool -- forgive me for using the familiar term, but I have a place in my heart for them -- did nothing more than any mom-and-pop grocery store would do, more or less, or maybe just less. Anyway, who can blame somebody for enthusiasm?
   Heck, the worst thing the boys at Cool-So-Soft did was insist on quality control. Quality Control is Job One, somebody said. Must have been the boys at Cool. They're always coming up with memorable slogans. Like the one they got famous for: Where Would You Like to Go Crazy Today?
   Anyway, the quality control thing was 'way overblown. A big misunderstanding. All CoolSoSoft ever did was tell all the hardware stores and repair shops around the nation that they'd get free refrigerators -- the big walk-in models, the kind everybody in the business calls "server refrigerators" -- if they told their customers in no uncertain terms that non-CoolSoSoft refrigerators would not be supported.
   That's all. What's the big deal?
   So who cares if you have a Kenmore fridge and the thing breaks down. Who says you can't figure out how to fix it yourself? A little on-the-spot training, so to speak.
   Besides, next time get a CoolSoSoft and stop carping. That's one thing I can't stand, people with perfectly good brains who think there's something wrong with monopolies. Get real! We only have one car company! What's wrong with having only one refrigerator company?
   Oh. Sorry. We don't have only one car company. I was mistaken. But maybe that's what's wrong with the car business!
   Anyway, I forgot to mention the best part about CoolSoSoft refrigerators. It's is the way they force you to keep a clean house. Or at least a clean refrigerator.
   That's because CoolSoSoft refrigerators are designed to stop working every now and then. Sometimes they stop every day, but sometimes they keep working for many days and then stop when you're not expecting it. Such as just before you're about to dig into the freezer for the ice cubes to help liven up the spiked lemonade for that barbecue when the boss comes over.
   This is an integral part of the CoolSoSoft design. It's not a flaw. It's planned that way. After millions of dollars spent in research into why its refrigerators acted like this, the CoolSoSoft company determined that the shutdowns (or, as owners call them, "crashes") are actually evidence of the superior engineering in CoolSoSoft's products.
   Because CoolSoSoft encourages innovation, its refrigerators are always being improved. And common sense tells us that you can't improve something unless it needs improvement. So it stands to reason that CoolSoSoft's refrigerators are constantly breaking down because they are constantly being improved.
   CoolSoSoft's innovation is so, um, innovative that it has revolutionized the way we all clean our kitchens. When CoolSoSoft refrigerators break down, you lose a few frozen things, sure. Hey, that's life. But you get a chance to take everything out and give the refrigerator the old one-two. Scrub-a-dub-dub! My CoolSoSoft is the cleanest thing in the house. I love the way it's changed my lifestyle.
   I especially love the way it's forced me to reinstall my food on an average of once a week. Now THAT's a clever approach to refrigerator design.
   Anyway, I've been trying out the newest model, CoolSoSoft Me. It was supposed to be called CoolSoSoft Millennium, but Jan. 1, 2000 came and went without it, probably because CoolSoSoft's engineers were still adding things that would help it break down.
   But here I am, standing in front of a beta version of CoolSoSoft Me. It looks so, well, cool! It's got a redesigned refrigerator interface, but luckily all the usual things are where you'd expect. I like the fact that it's not as heavy as CoolSoSoft 2000, and that it's prettier than CoolSoSoft 98.
   Anyway, I'm saving the best for last. The boys at CoolSoSoft knew what they were doing. Those wastrels who can't seem to get off the dime and stop criticizing CoolSoSoft had it all wrong. They said CoolSoSoft would have to change the design of CoolSoSoft refrigerators to make them run longer between breakdowns.
   Wrong! These people don't know anything about innovation! I'm happy to report that CoolSoSoft Me breaks down just as often as CoolSoSoft 98.
   You gotta hand it to the CoolSoSoft people. They're solid. Predictable. They know a good thing when they sell it. And they're working on a newer version -- CoolSoSoft You. They picked that name for a good reason. They know when you need a new refrigerator, you will go right to the industry leader. None of that Blinux or Schminux stuff, whatever it's called. Who wants a refrigerator that never needs to be restarted? B-o-r-i-n-g.
   YOU count. CoolSoSoft is making its products especially for you. That's why you need to keep buying them.
   Right?